Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

when revenge coincides with naptime

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”