Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
japanese corn
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”