Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

Sounds like a real hoot.

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

That stupid look on my face, is my face

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket