Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

How to wake up a Beagle

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

Oh thanks BBC.

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.