Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.