me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
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There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.