Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

I wish all tests were things you peed on

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP