Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
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Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!