Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
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I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
They must have gotten it to go.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no