me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
