Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.