Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

Spa day..😅

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

When you put it that way… 😂

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.