ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
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In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Wednesday
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too