Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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Ape together strong
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
incredible google review i just found
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
It do be feeling this way.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that