Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ape together strong

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

incredible google review i just found

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

It do be feeling this way.

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that