Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
You Might Also Like
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I’M CRYINGGG
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
inside you are two wolves
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Another day, another…goddammit
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
