Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
You Might Also Like
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
My Plans 2020
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!