Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.