Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”