Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
You Might Also Like
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Imma just leave this here…………
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.