Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

lol

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.