me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red?

me, trying to impress my date: whichever onion the chef prefers

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me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target


With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.


The sign at the McDonald’s I just passed says “We hiring” in case you’re wondering what kind of qualifications you need to have to be hired.


Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?


Kid 1 swallows coin: rush to ER

Kid 2 swallows coin: wait for it to pass

Kid 3 swallows coin: deduct from their allowance


When someone texts “whatcha doin” after midnight the appropriate response is “someone else” even if you’re just eatin’ pizza all alone.


Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows


Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.


You had a bad 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 and you’re hoping for a good 2019? Ain’t you precious.


Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*