@desukidesu

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red?

me, trying to impress my date: whichever onion the chef prefers

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@MNateShyamalan

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

@juliussharpe

With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.

@britt_anylynn

The sign at the McDonald’s I just passed says “We hiring” in case you’re wondering what kind of qualifications you need to have to be hired.

@PatsATweetin

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

@theBigMvee

Kid 1 swallows coin: rush to ER

Kid 2 swallows coin: wait for it to pass

Kid 3 swallows coin: deduct from their allowance

@Bez

When someone texts “whatcha doin” after midnight the appropriate response is “someone else” even if you’re just eatin’ pizza all alone.

@Jenny4ashley

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

@bourgeoisalien

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

You had a bad 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 and you’re hoping for a good 2019? Ain’t you precious.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*