ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
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for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
synchronized noseblowing
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.