ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
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Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”