ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
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*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.