Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

😲 WTF? 😆

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

aesthetic

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

felt that

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????