Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

mmm onion ringos

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

hmmmmmm

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

mechanics be like

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.