Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
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Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
No chill.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.