Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Passwords are more important than ever.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up