Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
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He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Sorry. Not sorry
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.