Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

this is the greatest thing ever

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?