Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

My blood type is coffee.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god