Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
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the three branches of government
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
2022 will be better than 2021
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars