Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
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If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
✌🏽
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur