Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

A sick whale is called an unwhale

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]