Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

You deplete me

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

#SaturdayBears

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.