Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Happy Febuary everyone!

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

The prophecy is fulfilled

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.