Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.