Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.