Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
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We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
How to properly lift a body
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
a New Yorker reject, for you
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun