Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
You Might Also Like
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
