Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.