Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
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Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?