me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
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I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Hmmmmm
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids