me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

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Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”


Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.


me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]


If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta


I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.


Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news


I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.



That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.


[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.