@TheHatStore

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

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@Darlainky

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

@HatfieldAnne

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

@Robinbuble

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

@aparnapkin

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

@TheDjinnTrials

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

@RobElliottComic

That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.