me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

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I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.


[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*


Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race


I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.


I slept through my girlfriend’s alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.


me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: you are going to hate me but I forgot your name


My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.


[Alien abduction]
Me: What’s it like on your planet?
Alien: Very barren, desolate
Me: But no politics?
Alien: No
Me: Ok, let’s go


Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.


Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.