Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

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STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.