ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection