Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

I thought this was funny lol

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*