Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

I really had high hopes for this year though

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick