Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
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an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!