Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

Basically.

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.