Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

be careful

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies