Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.