ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
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I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg