Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
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The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?