Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
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I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Breakfast in bed.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Well, this is awkward
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”