ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Going to church you guys need anything
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death