Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t rush stupid.

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

“If all your friends jumped”

‘Yes’

“But if they”

‘Yes’

“But”

‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake