Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

By Kate Hatos

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

My therapist after every session

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

the official breakfast of 2021

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.