Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
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Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.