Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero