Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.