Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow