Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

every man in east london