me opening up to someone
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The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
honestly, i need both:
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
serving silly goose instead of turkey
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
