Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

THE AUDACITY. 😤

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale