me opening up to someone
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Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
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My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
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Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.