Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
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Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
my professor scared me for a second
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Did I do this right
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.