ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
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My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
